Nobody's Perfect - Managing our expectations

Nobody's Perfect - Managing our expectations

Nobody's perfect. Be they dog, human, or any other species. We all have our quirks and our strengths.

As a teen, I was very shy and a little bit socially awkward. Some people are loud and like to be at the centre of things. Are either of these wrong? Or is this just part of what makes us, us?

Some people are good at writing. Some aren't, but are very good at problem-solving. Somebody that may not be so good at problem-solving might be very good at running and sports. None of these are mutually exclusive. So where am I going with this?

Absolutely no person is good at 'everything' (some people think they are, but perhaps being humble is the thing they need to work on).

As an adult, I am no longer the socially awkward teen that I once was. I am a bit louder, I come across as outgoing, I get involved. There wasn't an overnight change of personality. This involved plenty of time spent doing things to make me a little bit more confident...just like behaviour support with our dogs. I will never be the centre of attention - I can't imagine anything worse and it's just not me. However, I'm more confident that I ever was. 

My point? Nobody is perfect. We need to manage our expectations to reflect this.

Let's look at our dogs.

Some dogs love people of all shapes and sizes, preferring a quiet life when it comes to other dogs. They might have a few known dogs that they enjoy spending time with, but generally enjoy their space. Some dogs aren't fussed about people other than their families, but will happily spend time with any dog that they come across. Neither of these are wrong.

Some dogs struggle settling outside a café with you, but will be a dog that you can take on lots of adventures with your friends. Some dogs might struggle with the stimulation of a group of people, but would love to doze by your feet whilst you sip on a coffee.

Some dogs enjoy engaging in complex training and activities. Other dogs might find this frustrating, but may really enjoy scentwork instead.

You can try to teach these dogs new skills or to support them in certain environments, and sometimes it might work out. Like the socially awkward teenage me becoming a more confident adult, we can support dogs to feel more comfortable in the company of other dogs, but we may need to except that they might not feel comfortable in group of boisterous dogs.

We may have to choose not to take our dog on an outing with a group of friends if this stimulation will be too much for them, but instead can enjoy some quiet time together before you go and maybe involve one friend that the dog can engage with in a way that is beneficial to them.

We have to understand that we have the dog that is in front of us - not the dog we had 15 years ago, not the dog we 'think we should have'. They are all individual, even if they are the same breed.

"My old dog wasn't like this, he could walk past another dog and was totally unphased"

"My mum's dog is so calm when we have family days out"

"I want him to learn how to engage with [insert activity] more because I want to do that with him"

As a species, humans are very good at noticing the things that we don't like quite so much, and not good at spotting the good stuff. I have heard all of the above before and will undoubtedly hear them again. But let's look at this from another perspective...

"My old dog wasn't like this, he could walk past another dog and was totally unphased" (in this example, let's say the dog was a frustrated greeter and not worried by other dogs)

Your dog may currently be a bit of a frustrated greeter. We can work on that, to help them manage their emotions, tweak their expectations and feel calmer. But whilst we were talking about frustrated dog to dog greetings, your dog just engaged with a squirrel, stayed calm, and disengaged all on their own. Do you know how awesome that is?

"My mum's dog is so calm when we have family days out"

Not all dogs find it easy being in a stimulating environment with lots of people they don't know. You mentioned that your dog adjusted very well when you had a baby 18 months ago. That's great, this isn't easy for them.

"I want him to learn how to engage with agility more because I want to do that with him"

Your dog might not enjoy that environment or activity. You could explore other ways to teach this, but.... I've noticed he loves to scent. Have you considered scentwork? That might be an activity that you will both really like - both parties need to be enjoying whatever we are doing, and I get a real kick out of seeing my dog when he realises he has found whatever he was searching for!

We need to start appreciating the dog that we have in front of us, and looking at their strengths. We can support them in other areas but we have to be realistic to their feelings and their needs, not just our own. For example - the dog that is sensitive around other dogs. He might one day be comfortable seeing other dogs in his environment, enough that he can join you on some adventures, but might prefer not to go to doggy day care.

We live in a social media age that has created a society of perfectionists. Everything needs to be right, everything needs to be instagram ready. When it isn't, we don't like it. That can mean we put a lot of pressure on our dogs, and that pressure doesn't always allow for them to be the happiest version of themselves. It is time we shelved our ideologies and started appreciating the dogs we have, not the dogs we think we should all have. We can train them and provide emotional support so that they can be the happiest, most comfortable versions of themselves, but they will still be themselves. If that doesn't align with our plans, then it is possibly our plans that need to change - not our dogs.

Sally Lewis 2021